Unconsciously, the past two posts happen to be my “progress report” on my way to self-improvement. It’s a conscious effort to make the necessary tweaks to make myself better moving forward, but the commentary featured here serve as windows to the shattered self I’m currently trying in vein to piece myself and make a better whole.
So far, it’s tough. It’s not meant to be easy. Just thinking about how easy life was does not necessarily want to bring back those old memories, but it kinda got me asking myself, “Why?”
I never blamed my past for anything. I actually loved who I was and am – the fact that I make mistakes all the goddamn time is what I really find as my strongest point before. But now, everything’s changed. All the mistakes that I commit, I see as a disability to my progress. As much as possible, I want to keep everything level-headed and keep myself within my comfort zones. Going behind enemy lines, something that’s actually new and exciting, forces me to make decisions and choices that I’m not fully equipped in dealing with, at least for now.
That’s where mistakes should be allotted, but at the same time, it’s also the mistakes I hate.
The more I loathe my commitment to fucking everything up, the more I loathe myself for what I was and what turned me into this.
I know, this feeling is not fair to the people who loved me from growing up to what I am now. Which makes things even more difficult. Because I want to be fair to every one. It’s not about giving them what they want all the time, but it’s more on making a stand for myself, having a solid commitment and not backing down from it, and simply just saying what’s on my mind. Doing these things would actually be fair to everyone.
But I can’t do it consistently and effortless. It’s like I always have to be told what to do, say, and think, like a puppet with a hand stuck up my ass.
I really want this strength, but I need this feeling of acceptance that seemed amiss to me. Or maybe I don’t trust enough to deserve this privilege? Maybe it’s because, for the nth time, it’s actually staring my face and I don’t see it? It’s most likely the latter.
I have lots of people to hold on feel secure with. I’m just not secure with who I am, which is why I’m actually writing here and sound like a real shit that I am. Had you asked me when I was completely secure with myself, I would most definitely agree without batting an eyelash. It’s harder now that you realize you need to change and that everything you’ve come to know won’t be the same anymore.