July 18, 2011

First-Half Failure

2011 was supposed to be a turning-in-a-new-leaf phase for me. Somehow, I’m still stuck in the gutter.

It all started with my plan to post at least two blog entries a week at the beginning of the year. The idea is to not only track down the things that are happening in my life, but also help improve my writing, which has taken a hit after years of not writing for the Tumbong. I also tried my hand, for the nth time, on setting a weekly schedule for me to follow. I wrote the things I had to do for the week on a spiral notebook and crossed them out if I’m done with them. Throughout the first few months of the year, I think I could change my old ways – unkempt, purposeless, uninspired and simply doggone tired of disappointment. I actually woke up every morning with a sense of urgency that was lacking in the previous years. My work rate improved, relationships were at an all-time high, and I was actually reading books in preparation for the next discussion at school. For the first time in quite a while, things were looking up.

But then, one of my teachers called my attention regarding my absences exceeding the maximum (a phantom absence that I honestly cannot remember), I found out that the paper I submitted for school during the first semester needs to be rewritten, and I had to delay writing a 30-page final paper for one of my classes. Everything else went to shit from here. The blogging became more infrequent and planning every week became a chore. (And why wouldn’t it be, especially if every day changes at the last minute?)

I lost track of it all. I reverted back to my old, undying habits of poor sleeping and procrastinating on my tasks. I wake up everyday no longer with optimism, but with the feeling that something will undoubtedly go wrong. And I again have to adjust to the changes, to tweak my plan until the original has been erased in place of this new plan that puts on hold everything I want to achieve not just for me, but for the people I love. It’s sickening.

And talking about something else going wrong, it did. June 5. It’s perhaps the single reason why I stopped blogging in the meantime. I still refuse to talk about it because of how it represents me, aside from the fact that it’s a sensitive issue that may raise the ire of people. However, I’m over with what happened and the consequences I have to live with as a result of my actions. Somehow, it was a sign to show that I was leading down the misguided path. And for something so gruesome and terrifying to have happened on that day was my light at the end of the tunnel. There’s still hope, as they say.

To wash off the guilt, I worked late hours and did advance work for the group. The office has become my sanctuary of sorts; nobody gives a rat’s ass about my personal life and that’s fine. I like the anonymity that an office space creates because everything’s about business. You can talk about your problems to people willing to listen, but that can only be done during breaks. At work, I rarely take any breaks due to the piling of work, which explains why I have no time to process the things that have happened in my life so far and why I feel so empty and devoid of empathy. What I feel is shame and only way that I know how to redeem myself and get rid of this foul feeling, if not dampen it, is to just work long hours and feel useful. Is that bad or good? Am I avoiding the issue instead of confronting it? Probably both. But it won’t matter much in the end.

From the layers of issues that I have to deal with, including the ones not mentioned on this post, 2011 is looking to be a stinker. Sure, there were highlights and gems worth taking note by looking at my previous posts for this year. However, a really smart guy once said that people will be remembered best not by the success they had, but how they were able to overcome adversity and obstacles to get their life back on track. Somehow, my feet got stuck in a bear trap and I can’t get out of it.

I really need to finish what I started. Try to write new blog entries and set a schedule every week, regardless of how palpable and temporal both really are. I really do stupid by saying this since I’ve been mentioning it every since the year started. But I need purpose, damn it!

This is going to be harder than I thought.

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