April 12, 2011

The Post-Fallout

March sucked ass. A month that was supposed to be highlighted by my latest job transfer that would trigger a pleasant turn of events was overshadowed by my incompetence on other aspects of my life. Maybe it’s the fact that I find myself once again adapting to an office-based work schedule that prevents me from spreading out work throughout the course of the day like my previous home-based job but I’m at wit’s end and experiencing some kind of mental block that prevented me from finishing my paper on time.

I feel embarrassed. I held the teacher who I was supposed to submit my paper to early this week in high regard, only to come up short and probably disrespect her in the process. I still have a chance to redeem myself and submit the paper within the week, but working through my disgust and contempt towards myself would probably delay the process even further. May God save me and my bastard ways.

Restless – a word that I keep playing out with my body a couple of days already. Apparently, making strange facial expressions, walking around aimlessly, and facepalming myself repeatedly before going to sleep is not going to make matters better for me.

Jesus. This is turning out to be a pretty uncomfortably incoherent rambling. Better make myself clearer now.

I recently am having problems with confusing images from the particle world. I’ve been seeing a half-empty cup on a tall glass of water. I refuse to see the forest in the trees. As a result, my blindness forces me to wrestle with my emotions and preventing me from moving on. Embracing my situation and do something about it has always been the way to go. I had been treading the right path until recently, when things just got too heavy to bear.

The more I talk about this, the more I want to pin down my failures on the fact that I stuff a long, hard turd down my throat and pretend that it’s the tastiest bratwurst I’ve ever had (no homo). Weeks ago, I just learned of the reason why I got an INC on my previous class last year. Upon meeting up with the teacher, she tossed the paper I submitted last year on her table with green markings all over the pages. I took it home and tried to browse it, but the vomit color of her words splattered on the paper made me want to puke myself. After this, I really wasn’t the same then. I got easily pissed off about the simplest things and just coasted through a lot of stuff going through with my life. Granted, it is not the best way to deal with failure, but I need to express my displeasure. I just didn’t know how to channel it in a positive way, which left some of that bad juju fester in my mind and affect my decisions. If only my brain could take a dump…

I should try and get back up. I should take a page from broken-down, bloodied, and stubborn professional wrestlers – their brave stupidity (or stupid bravery) has allowed them to entertain the fans and carve a legacy for themselves despite risking their bodies and well-being in the long term. My life’s not for me, but it’s for the people who I care for. This goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway (I love the sheer absurdity of this cliché)  , that I will win in the end, haters!

There. I feel better.

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