Attack of the Killer Fil-Ams


Last June marked the first time for more than a decade that my cousins from San Diego came back to tear this country a new asshole. And by ripping the earth a fresh shit crevice, I mean getting ass-drunk and puking brains, hitting on Filipina women, and just “making it rain,” as my US Army cousin told me, referring to showering wads of cash to strippers like a confetti parade. In a nutshell, they did things I never have done, and will not do, in my entire life.

The drinking, I can tolerate. Hell, I can shoot straight that disgustingly rad mix of vodka, rum, and Sprite on a tall glass as a result from a booze game them Fil-Ams introduce to this islander, no problem. So help me God, I almost crashed, burned, and pirouetted on my own vomit. But that I have been accustomed to self-destruction with alcohol before, so it’s an acknowledged mistake that I am always more than happy to commit every time.

However, I draw the line with women. I respect the kind of vice my cousins are into and even accompanied them to all sorts of bars, from the cheekiest — with the unnecessary rubbing of tits to your shoulders and whatnot — to the glitzy and glamorous — where you can’t do a goddamn thing but watch the brown skinned ladies flaunt their stature and statistics like a social peacock. Visiting these places provided a different experience from what I usually do, but ultimately, not my thing.

Still, I am glad my cousins got here. Crazy nights and crazier stories, I tell ya! My US Army cousin has gone through open fire in their camp stationed at Iraq while eating Burger King, while his brother, a fresh graduate with a degree in Math and Science (!), almost had a theorem named after him, about how all numbers are the same judging from their remainders, but a group of dorks discovered the theorem a month before he did. I’m sure the world would have been a better place if the Benitez Theorem were mandated. Oh well.

So what have I done in life? I underachieved in college, wrote for porn websites on my first job, and played hack guitar for this band. Doesn’t have that oomph compared to their life milestones, I know. However, thinking that I have a girlfriend, life suddenly became better again.

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Christopher Jan Benitez

Freelance writer and content marketer by profession. CEO of GoSmrk, a boutique digital agency that focuses on helping online businesses by using the latest and best growth hacking techniques. Magical Tumbong is a place where he vents out about non-work related matters.

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